The “S” Word : how to stop Should-ing Yourself

Should is a very naughty word.

How often are you aware of when you “should” yourself?

Better yet, how often do you “should” others?

I’ll be the first to raise my hand.

Introduce yourself.

Hello everybody, my name is kev and I’m a “should” addict.

In recovery.

I’ve been using the word “should” for as long as I could remember.

I’ve been chasing it around like the neighborhood cats chase mice, except I’ve never actually caught the proverbial mouse on the other end of it.

Should has created a lot of pain and hardship in my life. It’s been a weight on my relationships, my work, and my overall creative expression and I’ve distracted myself from really looking at it.

I turned to productivity, spirituality, quantum mechanics, electromagnetics – you know all the things, but none of these things sustainably helped with how much I “should” myself.

That pesky “should” would always creep in.

You should do this, you should do that.

You should be more successful, you should try ultra-advanced breathwork techniques for increased pineal gland activation.

Don’t even get me started about all the “should-nots”…

Like any addiction, you can never get enough of something that almost works.

“Should” has quite the way of feeling like it always almost works.

Here’s the naughty little secret about the word should.

It implies shame.

It lacks acceptance for what is.

It’s a reaction to what you don’t like about yourself, or someone else.

But instead of feeling the shame and questioning where it comes from we just turn to the same old patterns of distraction with a sprinkle of progress, just enough to lead us to believe we are finally figuring it all out until the inevitable backslide into using happens again.

Why?

Because so long as we don’t mend the stories and beliefs that create the shame and lack of acceptance, we are bound to create the same patterns over and over and over and over again.

Despite it’s façade of helpfulness, should never creates intimacy with our true desires.

At best it gives a temporary hit of dopamine, but it is not a sustainable form of energy, inspiration, and motivation.

There’s a reason why we don’t do most of the things we think we should do.

The very nature of the word creates separation.

Thanks to physics, language of separation only tends to reinforce the feeling of separation from the very thing we wish we didn’t feel separate from.

The story of should goes a little something like this.

I’m here, but I should be there… so I don’t like here which means here must be the wrong place to be.

I don’t have to be a rocket physicist to see how this creates a very distorted relationship to myself, which ultimately distorts my ability to do the very things I believe I should be doing.

I’ve been so caught up in trying to get ‘there’, that pesky abstract place, that I completely avoid fully accepting here.

As a friendly reminder to myself and to all of y’all:

You can’t get there from here because you are only ever right where you are. 

Here’s the magical thing that started to happen when I stopped should-ing myself as often:

-        I released tons of control that I was allocating to figuring out the future

-        My inner critic went on vacation

-        I accepted myself more fully right where I am, shame included

-        I felt more creatively empowered

-        I embraced circumstance and uncertainty more heart-forward

The funny thing is, when I stopped “should-ing” myself, the conditions became paradoxically ripe to do all the things I previously thought I should be doing.

What a paradox.

The energy within the ‘should’ created the very obstacle between me doing the things I wanted to in the first place.

Us humans become much more amazing in the absence of shaming ourselves, beyond all the colorful disguises shame tends to take on in the wild culture of today.

Now that we’ve thoroughly discussed the power of stopping the “should” madness and addiction,

Here’s exactly what you SHOULD do.

You should:

-        kindly observe all the ways you should yourself

-        ask “what truth am I avoiding?”

-        allow yourself to feel whatever comes up

-        accept yourself and circumstance fully as it is.

-        re-design your language to create intimacy with desire rather than separation.

Obviously 39 words is much easier to write than embody, but I firmly believe that this subtle little practice can tremendously impact the way you relate to yourself.

I know this because it did for me, and if it can transform the life of a dorky surf cowboy architect then it absolutely can transform you – whoever you believe yourself to be.

This is exactly what my FREEDOM OS program facilitates. If you ready for an extra little (loving) kick-in-the-arse to transform your relationship to yourself, to creativity, and to success then this is exactly right for you.

Check it out here! 

Go with love

_kev